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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"