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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”