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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.