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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.