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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.