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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
So when is this `old enough to know better` suppose to kick in ?
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|