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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.