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You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Sometimes, I`m offended at how easily offended some people get.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.