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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
I want it all and I want it delivered.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.