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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.