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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.