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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.