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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list