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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”