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All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"