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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Never squat with your spurs on
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.