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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.