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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.