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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..