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the dude who posted ”MERRY CHRISTMAS“ has still got his head shoved up the turkeys A$$ it seems...
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.