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The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
My anger management class pisses me off
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.