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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
A man is as faithful as his options
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car