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Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.