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They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!