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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
i only drink on days that end with y
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.