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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.