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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.