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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
This beer tastes like Iām going to text you later.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
sleep is for people without netflix
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.