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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?