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The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.