Daily Silly Status

It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.

My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.

Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...

If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".

I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.

I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.

I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.

One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.

If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.

I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .

Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.

If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.

That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.

Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?

Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!