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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
Home is where the pants aren`t.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
Warning: I just get weirder.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...