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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.