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Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?