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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?