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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
“I saw that.” -Karma
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
hilarious
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"