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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)