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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
It takes balls to be a man.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.