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Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.