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When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
life is too short to match socks
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.