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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.