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All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.