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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.