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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.