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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone