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Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!