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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords