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I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?