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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
I was born at a very early age.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.