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I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Trust me, I am a liar.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats