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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Gym update: not there
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.