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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.