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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...