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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.