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I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.